This month’s live event focused on a crucial topic—how men feel about relationships, the affection they need, and how they express love.
I was fortunate to have Elliot Burgess, a highly skilled person-centred therapist, join me for an insightful discussion. Elliot shared his personal experiences, revealing what it means to be a man in today’s world and how he navigates the complexities of love and affection.
Elliot emphasised that men often show love in ways that might not always be verbally expressed but are deeply meaningful. He highlighted the importance of setting boundaries with confidence, knowing when to say "no" for the sake of maintaining a healthy relationship, and being emotionally available when it matters.
The Nature of Men's Love
Men’s affection can often be seen in their actions rather than words. Many men feel that providing, protecting, and ensuring the well-being of their partner are clear expressions of love.
These might not always be recognised as "affection" in the traditional sense, but they hold deep emotional significance.
Elliot spoke about how men are often conditioned to "be strong" and "tough," which can make it difficult to outwardly express vulnerability and emotional affection.
We also discussed the defensiveness that can arise in relationships. Men, like women, experience fears of rejection, abandonment, and failure in love. However, societal expectations sometimes encourage them to mask these emotions, leading to misunderstandings or emotional distance.
The Transition From Friendship to Love
One insightful aspect of our conversation was the ability to maintain a sense of connection even after a relationship ends. Elliot and I explored how friendships between men can provide a blueprint for handling love and affection, whether romantic or platonic.
Navigating the end of a relationship with maturity, without hostility, allows for continued emotional growth and healthy interactions. This ability to handle transitions gracefully is a key part of emotional intelligence in men.
Men and Women Want the Same Things
Interestingly, while societal narratives often paint men and women as having vastly different needs, Elliot and I agreed that, in reality, we seek many of the same things: affection, admiration, and being listened to. Both men and women desire emotional connection and the feeling of being truly seen by their partner. This shared need for intimacy often gets lost behind cultural expectations that discourage men from being emotionally expressive.
As Elliot pointed out, many men grow up being told to fight back, stand tall, and be tough, only to later hear that they should rein in their aggression and suppress their emotions. It’s a delicate balance that can make it difficult for men to express love in ways that feel natural to them. Jordan Peterson has often remarked that men carry within them a restrained energy, and part of personal growth is learning how to channel that energy in ways that foster love and emotional connection.
The Six Human Needs in Relationships
We also explored Tony Robbins' "Relationship Creed," which addresses the six primal and spiritual needs that must be met within a healthy relationship. These include:
Certainty and Safety – Feeling safe and secure in a relationship is foundational.
Variety and Spontaneity – Balancing safety with fun and excitement helps to keep the connection alive.
Significance – Feeling important to your partner and valued in the relationship.
Love and Connection – Developing deep emotional intimacy.
Growth – Continuing to evolve as individuals and as a couple.
Contribution – Giving back to each other and to the relationship, making it more than just about personal needs.
Elliot shared how crucial it is for men to feel that their emotional needs are being met within these frameworks. As relationships progress, emotional bonds deepen, and the focus can shift from purely practical concerns (like building a life together) to creating an emotional connection that withstands the tests of time.
3 key takeaways Elliot shared was:
From a man's perspective on love and intimacy, three key takeaways could be:
1. The Need for Respect and Trust: For many men, respect is foundational in a relationship. It’s not just about admiration but being trusted to lead and contribute meaningfully. Feeling respected in a partnership can be central to a man's sense of worth and connection, as respect often equals love in masculine terms.
2. Affection and Physical Closeness Matter: While men may not always express emotions in the same verbal ways women might, physical affection—whether through intimacy, touch, or shared activities—can be a crucial way for men to feel loved and connected. For many men, affection often blends emotional and physical needs, with acts like hugging, holding hands, or sexual intimacy playing a key role.
3. Emotional Connection Through Action and Shared Experiences: Men often bond and express intimacy through shared experiences rather than deep conversations. Sex plays a big part of men’s identity and a way of bonding with there partner. But men need men too, whether through activities like sports, hobbies, or working on something together, these actions can create a sense of closeness and emotional intimacy without the need for verbal emotional exchanges.
Men express love and affection in diverse ways—sometimes through actions, sometimes through words, but always with the desire for connection.
Acknowledging and understanding these expressions of love can help deepen emotional connections in relationships.
A big thank you to Elliot for sharing his wisdom and for being part of this important conversation. Stay tuned for part two, where we’ll dive into the female perspective on affection and love!
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